Fidias Panayiotou Reportedly Replaced by a Gerbil for Two Weeks — Nation Only Realized After Rodent Tried to Enter European Parliament
In a baffling yet somehow believable twist, Fidias Panayiotou was secretly replaced by a gerbil in a blazer for two weeks — attending parliament sessions, voting on legislation, and even giving squeaky interviews. The nation only caught on when the rodent bolted with a crouton mid-session. Fidias later confirmed the switch, claiming, “Fidiaki served with dignity and didn’t once ask for a frappe.”
EXCLUSIVE: Polis Real Estate Developer Denies Cost-of-Living Crisis, Claims “People Just Need to Eat Less at Full Moons”
In a delightfully unhinged interview, Polis real estate developer Savvas Frangos denies the existence of a cost-of-living crisis, claiming people simply “lack barter skills and citrus vision.” From fig-based inflation fixes to houses powered by gossip heat, Savvas offers alternative facts and even more alternative logic — all backed by goats, vibes, and something he calls Polinomics™.
BREAKING: Cyprus Reintroduces Golden Visas, Now Includes Complimentary Yacht, Village Mayorship, and a Lifetime Supply of Halloumi Air Fresheners
Cyprus reboots its infamous Golden Visa program with even fewer regulations and a lot more sparkle. Now, investors can earn citizenship, honorary village mayorships, and a lifetime supply of halloumi-scented air fresheners — all for the price of a luxury villa and a mildly shady offshore company.
Cypriot Football Federation Accidentally Declares Every Match a Derby, Chaos Ensues as Fans Storm Random Bakeries
Chaos erupts across Cyprus after the football federation mistakenly labels every single league match as a derby. Now, even mid-table clashes are treated like ancient blood feuds, mascots are brawling in parking lots, and one man has been banned from a bakery for wearing the wrong jersey.
Alphamega Announces Plans to Colonize Moon, Install Luxury Supermarket with 3 Aisles of Imported Cheeses and 1 Parking Spot
In a galactic leap for Cypriot retail, Alphamega announces its plan to open the first supermarket on the Moon, complete with a floating cheese aisle, oxygen-based loyalty points, and premium crater parking. Because if anyone can overprice halloumi in space — it’s Alphamega.
Cyprus to Regulate Hunting Culture with New “Shoot Responsibly” Campaign, Mandatory Courses on Yelling at Birds and Missing Entirely
In an ambitious effort to civilize the annual cacophony of shotgun blasts and lost dogs, the Cypriot government launches “Shoot Responsibly 2030™” — a campaign urging hunters to stop firing at bushes, apologize to trees, and maybe take a class or two before declaring war on the wilderness every Sunday.
Cyprus Unveils Bold New Plan to Solve Cyprob: Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament, Mediated by a Goat
NICOSIA — In a stunning move that surprised the international community, confused the UN, and caused three ambassadors to choke on their filtered coffee, the Cypriot government has announced a radical new strategy to solve the Cyprus Problem (Cyprob) once…
Tala’s Holy Order of Cats Gains Political Power, Declares Monastery a Sovereign “Feline Republic”
In a bold and entirely whisker-driven move, the cats of Tala’s monastery have declared independence, forming the Meow-nastic Republic of Saint Whiskers. With nap laws, fish-based diplomacy, and a purring Parliament, the feline-led microstate is now the most peaceful — and fur-covered — government on the island.
Cyprus Announces Plan to Modernize Primary Schools by Replacing Desks with Cardboard and Hope
With desks made from cereal boxes and textbooks older than the students themselves, Cyprus’ primary schools have entered an era of “creative survival.” In the government’s new minimalist strategy, classrooms run on hope, group crayons, and chairs that may or may not be real.
Omodos Declares Itself “The Official Center of the Universe,” Builds Wine-Powered Space Telescope in Bell Tower
In a cosmic leap for village pride, Omodos has declared itself the center of the universe and launched a wine-powered space program from its bell tower. With a telescope aimed at the stars (and Limassol), locals are preparing for intergalactic diplomacy, stardust sales, and possibly the first meze tasting with aliens.