Cypriot Archbishop Accuses Phidias of Serving Turkey — Experts Fear He May Also Control Weather, Chickens, and Eurovision Votes
After the Cypriot Archbishop accused YouTuber Phidias of being “at the service of Turkey,” the situation spiraled into full-blown conspiracy madness — including theories that he controls the weather, Eurovision votes, and the squeakiness of halloumi. Phidias, visibly baffled, responded with a frappé and the statement, “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to have done.”
Orthodox Church Launches “Project Divine Comeback” to Win Back Churchgoers: Incense Cannons, Holy Water Splash Zones, and Confession Drive-Thrus
Faced with empty pews and a generation more devoted to frappé than faith, the Orthodox Church has launched “Project Divine Comeback” — an outrageous initiative featuring incense cannons, rotating altars, confession drive-thrus, and TikTok hymn challenges. Church has never been so loud, so fragrant, or so deeply confused.