Cypriot Archbishop Accuses Phidias of Serving Turkey — Experts Fear He May Also Control Weather, Chickens, and Eurovision Votes
After the Cypriot Archbishop accused YouTuber Phidias of being “at the service of Turkey,” the situation spiraled into full-blown conspiracy madness — including theories that he controls the weather, Eurovision votes, and the squeakiness of halloumi. Phidias, visibly baffled, responded with a frappé and the statement, “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to have done.”
Israeli Businessman and Son Sue Cyprus for €18 Trillion, Three Beaches, One Goat, and Emotional Damage Caused by Village Auntie’s Tone of Voice
In a lawsuit that’s spiraled into pure absurdity, an Israeli businessman and his son are now suing Cyprus not only for land, but also €18 trillion, three beaches, the rights to flamingos, and emotional damage caused by a village auntie’s tone. Named in the suit: a kafeneio jukebox, a lemon tree, and one suspiciously judgmental uncle from Deryneia.
Six-Car Collision on Paphos-Limassol Motorway Caused by Rogue Goat in Convertible Playing Bouzouki at 120km/h, Authorities Confirm
A six-car pile-up on the Paphos-Limassol motorway this morning has been absurdly traced back to a rogue goat in a convertible, blasting bouzouki music and driving like a caffeinated uncle. Authorities confirm no injuries — except to logic, dignity, and several drivers’ grasp on reality.
After MPs Block Radar Fine List, Cyprus Police Launch Insane New Methods to Collect Fines: Frappe Confiscations, Psychic Door-Knocking, and Drone-Mounted Loudspeakers
After MPs blocked access to the radar fine list, Cyprus Police launched a wildly unhinged crackdown — including frappé bans for offenders, psychic fine detection, and drone-led public shaming. The new campaign, dubbed “Operation ShameDrive™,” marks a bold new era of enforcement powered by vengeance, caffeine withdrawal, and mild sorcery.
Cyprus Retaliates Against Trump’s EU Tariff Plan by Slapping 300% Tax on American Cheese, Netflix, and Anything Orange
In a bold (and deeply Cypriot) response to Donald Trump’s proposed EU import tariffs, Cyprus has announced its own wildly symbolic countermeasures — including a 300% tax on American cheese, orange-colored objects, and Netflix rom-coms without yiayias. Officials promise further retaliation unless halloumi is internationally respected “as the dairy deity it is.”
Cyprus Taxi Drivers Stage Protest Over Possible Arrival of Uber: “You Can’t Rate a Vibe with Stars”
As the government considers letting Uber operate in Cyprus, local taxi drivers take to the streets in protest — not just against competition, but in defense of their sacred cultural role as part-time philosophers, tour guides, and emotional support uncles. “A ride isn’t just transport,” one driver cried. “It’s storytelling at 120km/h with no seatbelt.”
Cypriot Government Unveils “Official Corruption License” — Now You Can Bribe Legally (With a Receipt!)
In a bold new initiative to modernize dishonesty, the Cypriot government has introduced the Official Corruption License™ — a laminated, gold-trimmed card that lets citizens bribe legally, provided they file the right paperwork and wink in the correct tone. Critics are outraged. Everyone else is already in line.
Orthodox Church Launches “Project Divine Comeback” to Win Back Churchgoers: Incense Cannons, Holy Water Splash Zones, and Confession Drive-Thrus
Faced with empty pews and a generation more devoted to frappé than faith, the Orthodox Church has launched “Project Divine Comeback” — an outrageous initiative featuring incense cannons, rotating altars, confession drive-thrus, and TikTok hymn challenges. Church has never been so loud, so fragrant, or so deeply confused.
Cyprus Unveils New Water-Saving Plan: National Thirst Quota, Citizens Allowed to Be Thirsty Only on Weekdays
NICOSIA — In a bold attempt to curb Cyprus’ worsening water crisis, the government has introduced a nationwide Thirst Management System, under which citizens will be assigned designated thirst days and strictly limited hydration feelings. Starting April 15th, Cypriots will…