Cyprus Government Announces Compensation for 2013 Haircut Victims — Payment to Be Made in Coupons, Goat Shares, and One Hug from the Minister

In a historic (and deeply strange) move, the Cypriot government announces compensation for 2013 haircut victims — offering Alphamega vouchers, partial goat ownership, and a laminated apology. Cash? No. But you will receive a Spotify playlist and a chance to scream online.