Red Bull Formula 1 Team Bought by Cyprus, Rebranded to “Team Zivania Racing™” — Max Verstappen Fired and Replaced by a Man Named Yiannis from Paphos
NICOSIA — In a deal that has shocked the motorsport world and left the European Commission spiritually fatigued, the Republic of Cyprus has officially purchased the Red Bull Formula 1 team — immediately firing Max Verstappen and rebranding the championship-winning operation as Team Zivania Racing™.
The deal was finalized at a roadside souvlaki shop just outside Pelendri, where Cypriot representatives reportedly slapped a briefcase filled with cash, tsattalí cheese, and “the keys to a very good second-hand Pajero” on the table and said, “We’ll take the fast cars. Keep the Austrians.”
The Austrian delegation blinked twice, nodded solemnly, and signed a cocktail napkin that legally transferred the team to the Republic of Cyprus, backed by the full weight of the Ministry of National Passion Projects.
Formula 1… Cypriotized
The Red Bull Racing brand was immediately dissolved and replaced by Team Zivania Racing™, which will be powered — both spiritually and hydraulically — by the strong, semi-toxic fumes of Cyprus’ national moonshine. All future car liveries will feature matte white, glinting gold, and a holographic eagle in a tracksuit doing the double-headed eagle hand gesture.
The team’s new motto, now officially registered with the FIA, is:
“Πίνουμε και στρίβουμε.”
(We drink and we corner.)
The new team headquarters will be located in an abandoned parking lot near the outskirts of Nicosia, currently used to store deflated inflatables and one broken Cyta kiosk. A new wind tunnel is planned — but until then, engineers will just “open the back door and see what happens.”
Verstappen Out, Yiannis In
Max Verstappen, four-time world champion and famously fast Dutchman, was informed of his termination via WhatsApp voice note that simply said:
“Ela re… You’re out.”
His replacement? None other than Yiannis Takkas, a 64-year-old retired bingo caller from Paphos who once drove from Kykkos to Larnaca in third gear and claims to have “overtaken a hawk” on the old Limassol road. Yiannis has never seen a Formula 1 race, doesn’t believe in helmets, and refers to downforce as “nervous car wind.”
When asked if he was prepared for Monaco, he replied:
“If I can parallel park next to a goat on a hill with no handbrake, I can race through a tunnel with billionaires watching.”
His training will involve:
- Watching VHS tapes of WRC Cyprus 2002
- Playing PlayStation 2
- And throwing rocks at pigeons to “improve reaction time”
The Technical Team
The new Team Principal is Auntie Savoula, a former midwife turned motorsport tactician who has never seen a gearbox but “knows when a man is oversteering emotionally.” The Chief Strategist is a retired math teacher from Lakatamia with a hatred of calculators and a talent for predicting tyre wear based on astrological signs.
All mechanics must pass the “Rapid Souvla Flip” test, and pit stops will now include a complimentary espresso and a gossip update from one of the mechanics’ uncles.
The pit radio will be in full dialect. Race engineers must learn to interpret:
- “Maresh, eshi brosta” = push hard
- “Ela komatshí” = box this lap
- “Mana mou, entekseretós” = drive safely but dramatically
Team Goals and FIA Reactions
The team’s stated goal is not to win, but to “make F1 feel again.” This includes:
- Replacing press conferences with tsikoudia-fueled debates
- Petitioning the FIA to rename the DRS system to “Does Really Slide”
- Proposing “Festival Tyres,” made from recycled flip-flops and optimism
Formula 1 executives, meanwhile, are reportedly in emergency meetings to determine how to stop Cyprus from doing more Cyprus things. Liberty Media released a statement that simply read:
“We’re not angry. Just deeply confused.”
What Comes Next
The first Zivania Racing car is expected to debut in Bahrain, pending final approval of its dual-souvla exhaust system and dashboard shot glass holder. Aerodynamic testing is scheduled for “whenever the wind picks up in Dali.”
Fans are already lining up to buy official merchandise, including:
- Scented pine tree air fresheners shaped like a rear wing
- Carbon fiber komboloi
- And the controversial “Yiannis Edition” racing crocs, optimized for grip and storytelling
Rumors are swirling that the team’s second driver may be an elderly woman from Ayia Napa who once reversed into a tavern and shouted “Ο δρόμος ήταν πολύ στενός.” Negotiations are ongoing.
This article is satirical. Cyprus has not purchased Red Bull Racing… yet. But if you see a Formula 1 car doing a u-turn at a roundabout while blasting laïka and smelling like aniseed and defiance — just let it through. It’s probably Yiannis.
