LIMASSOL — In a historic move that surprised economists, confused geographers, and deeply annoyed renters, the Limassol Real Estate Market has officially declared itself a sovereign economic power and submitted an application to join the Group of Seven (G7). The announcement was made atop a €6.2 million one-bedroom apartment with partial sea view and zero parking, attended by dignitaries, real estate agents, and one man who thought he was at a wedding.

“We’ve Outgrown Cyprus,” Say Developers

At a press conference hosted inside a gold-tinted elevator that doesn’t go anywhere, the Limassol Association of Developers claimed the city’s property prices had reached a level where they “no longer identify as Cypriot.” “We believe in pushing boundaries — both financial and architectural,” said spokesperson Andreas Penthouse. “If a 45-square-meter studio can be listed for the GDP of Moldova, we deserve a seat at the big table.”

New Currency: The “Brickcoin”

The newly sovereign market has launched its own digital currency, Brickcoin, backed by raw concrete, rooftop jacuzzis, and the tears of rejected mortgage applicants. Locals must now convert their euros into Brickcoin just to afford a latte near the marina.

Locals Respond by Moving into Larnaca, or Cardboard Boxes

Limassol residents have begun relocating en masse — either to Larnaca or into luxuriously refurbished dumpsters now rebranded as “Urban Micro-Lofts™.” “I used to live in a 2-bedroom apartment. Now I rent a balcony,” said one primary school teacher. “It comes with Wi-Fi, and the pigeons are pretty respectful.”

Foreign Buyers Remain Confused But Enthusiastic

Overseas investors continue to snap up properties with names like The Diamond Cloud, Sunset Crystal, and Balcony of the Gods – Phase 12. One Russian influencer reportedly bought a third-floor parking space thinking it was a “minimalist bungalow.”

Future Plans Include Orbiting Penthouse

Developers have confirmed that Limassol’s next residential project, “SkyVilla Infinity™”, will orbit the Earth and offer “unmatched panoramic views of the entire planet.” Prices start at “don’t ask.”

This article is satirical. But if you find a 1-bedroom in Limassol under €300,000… please let the UN know.