NICOSIA — In a bold attempt to curb Cyprus’ worsening water crisis, the government has introduced a nationwide Thirst Management System, under which citizens will be assigned designated thirst days and strictly limited hydration feelings.

Starting April 15th, Cypriots will be legally permitted to feel thirsty only between Monday and Friday, from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Outside those hours, thirst will be considered a non-essential emotion and subject to fines or a public reminder to “drink air like the rest of us.”

The Department of Liquid Regulation Speaks

“We’re not banning water — just managing desire,” explained the newly formed Minister for Liquid Emotion, Eleni Hatzilou.
“Thirst is a state of mind. Much like optimism during roadworks.”

The government is also developing a smartwatch app, “ThirstyNoMore™”, that buzzes gently whenever users express excessive longing for a cold beverage. The app includes motivational quotes like:

• “Moisture is overrated.”
• “Hydration is for Tuesdays.”
• “Sweat it forward.”

Sweat Tax Introduced

To further reduce water loss, Cyprus will introduce a Progressive Perspiration Tax, calculated based on body mass, walking pace, and fabric choice. Linen remains tax-free. Denim in July will cost you.

Specialized “Sweat Patrol Units” will patrol beaches and gyms, using handheld humidity sensors to detect illegal sweat activity. Offenders will be given a towel and a lecture from a stern auntie.

Tap Water Replaced With Whispered Memories of Rain

In an artistic yet deeply inefficient gesture, the water taps in government buildings will now dispense short recordings of rainfall sounds instead of actual liquid.

Each faucet comes with 3 rain settings:

• “Troodos drizzle”
• “Ayia Napa storm-that-canceled-the-wedding”
• and “Nicosia pipes burst again”

Dams to Be Filled With Inspirational Quotes

In a symbolic act of hope, the Kouris Dam will be restyled as “The Reservoir of Positivity,” filled not with water, but laminated motivational quotes from Pinterest and laminated dreams from primary schoolers.

A government artist will also paint puddles on dry land “so the ground remembers.”

Global Reactions

• Israel: Offered desalinated water, but only if Cyprus promised to stop calling it “weird-tasting.”
• Australia: Sent boomerangs made of ice “to throw at clouds.”
• United Kingdom: Expressed concern but then got distracted by a light drizzle and went indoors.

This article is satirical. No thirst is being rationed (yet), but do save water — especially if you plan to wear denim in August.