Cyprus Unveils Bold New Plan to Solve Cyprob: Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament, Mediated by a Goat
NICOSIA — In a stunning move that surprised the international community, confused the UN, and caused three ambassadors to choke on their filtered coffee, the Cypriot government has announced a radical new strategy to solve the Cyprus Problem (Cyprob) once and for all: a massive, island-wide Rock-Paper-Scissors tournament.
Dubbed “Operation Let’s Settle This Like Adults (Sort Of)”, the initiative proposes that Greek Cypriots, Turkish Cypriots, UN officials, baffled British envoys, and one neutral goat each select champions to represent their respective sides — in what will be the first officially recognized diplomatic conflict resolution via playground game.
A New Era in Conflict Resolution
“We’ve tried everything,” said Presidential Envoy for Unusual Solutions, Pantelis Vartholomou. “Decades of negotiations, peace talks, reunification plans, confidence-building measures, shared electricity grids, even joint beach cleanups. It’s time to simplify.”
The tournament rules are clear:
- Best of 5
- Final round must be performed while holding a souvlaki
- No paper allowed if it’s been recycled — that’s considered biased
- Goat gets to break ties
When asked how the goat will be trained for this level of diplomacy, officials clarified:
“She’s not trained. She’s just really good at sensing tension.”
The Venue: Neutral Roundabout in Dhekelia
To ensure fairness, the tournament will be held on a randomly selected roundabout in the British Sovereign Base Area of Dhekelia — chosen for its neutral ground and abundance of confused cats.
British representatives have agreed to set up tents, mark borders with traffic cones, and provide ceremonial tea with digestives to maintain a sense of polite imperial absurdity.
The roundabout will be temporarily renamed “Zone of Awkwardly Hopeful Gestures.”
Selection of Champions
Each community must choose a champion:
- Greek Cypriot side is reportedly leaning toward 94-year-old Yiannis from Pera Chorio, who “has never lost at tavli and once stared down a rainstorm.”
- Turkish Cypriot side is considering Ayse, a retired librarian who “smiles sweetly but has terrifying reflexes.”
- The UN’s candidate will be a Norwegian intern named Sven who was “just here to practice his Greek but got roped in.”
The goat’s name is Marilou, and she will be escorted by two monks from Kykko Monastery and a man from Larnaca who claims to be able to speak fluent goat.
Global Reactions Pour In
- The EU: “We don’t know whether to laugh or fund it.”
- Turkey: “We demand a rematch if scissors wins.”
- Greece: “We’re just happy they didn’t choose Monopoly.”
- Russia: “Please let us sponsor the goat.”
- The US: “Honestly, it can’t be worse than what we’ve seen.”
The Pope has reportedly blessed the event “just in case.”
Phase Two: Reunification Olympics
Should the Rock-Paper-Scissors match result in a “soft reunification,” officials have proposed a Phase Two:
A Reunification Olympics, including events like:
- Synchronized Plate Smashing
- Loudest “Ela Re!” Shout
- Border-Crossing Sack Race
- Bi-Zonal, Bi-Communal Backgammon Relay
- The Grand Unified Halloumi Grilling Challenge
Winners will receive passports with mildly sarcastic slogans and a commemorative Famagusta fridge magnet.
The Goat’s Demands
Marilou the goat has issued a short list of demands through her appointed translator:
- Unlimited olives
- No more jokes about goat stew
- Her own flag (featuring a hoofprint and two lemons)
- An Airbnb page for her stone house in the mountains
The demands are being reviewed by the UN’s newly formed Furry Delegation Working Group.
Can This Actually Work?
Experts say no. But they’re also tired.
One political analyst noted:
“We’ve held peace talks for 50 years and all we got was coffee breath and rolled eyes. If a goat can help, let her lead.”
Final Words from the Organizers
“Look, we’re not saying this will solve everything,” said lead negotiator Despina Charalambidou. “But if two sides can agree on something as simple as rock beating scissors, maybe there’s hope.”
She paused, looked into the distance, and added:
“Unless someone cheats. Then we’re back to the buffer zone.”
This article is satirical. The Cyprus Problem is deeply complex. But if a goat, a roundabout, and a children’s game are what it takes to move forward — maybe, just maybe, let’s give it a shot.
