NICOSIA — In a move that stunned exactly no one but still managed to cause widespread applause in coffee shops across the island, Cyprus has announced a set of “deeply symbolic, mildly petty” retaliatory measures in response to Donald Trump’s declaration of a 20% import tariff on EU goods.

The measures, which were drafted overnight by a task force comprised of two civil servants, one lawyer who also sings laïka, and a woman named Popi who “has strong opinions,” target everything the Cypriot government considers sacred, endangered, or personally irritating.

At the top of the list? American cheese. Not just the product — the concept.

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“He taxed our halloumi in spirit. We tax his orange plastic dairy.”

Speaking from a podium made of recycled frappe cups and bureaucracy, Cyprus’s Minister of Mild Revenge, Andreas Fylaktou, announced the retaliatory tariffs with a mixture of fury and polite sarcasm.

“We do not take lightly the attack on European dignity. While other countries talk diplomacy, we talk tax. And we start with the worst offender: Kraft Singles.”

Under the new Cypriot tariff regime, all processed American cheese entering the country will face a 300% import duty, a mandatory rebranding as “Liquid Shame Squares”, and will be stamped with a photo of actual halloumi alongside the phrase: “Nice try.”

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Netflix Also Hit — No More American Reboots

The retaliation didn’t stop at cheese. Cyprus will also impose “cultural rebalancing restrictions” on American Netflix content.

From now on:

• Any American show filmed after 2018 must include at least one scene set in Larnaca
• All U.S. romantic comedies must feature a mandatory yiayia cameo, who provides unsolicited advice and olives
• The Stranger Things kids will be dubbed in full Cypriot dialect, with the Upside Down replaced by a flooded basement in Pera Chorio

Minister Fylaktou added: “If they can tax our wine, we can absolutely tax their plot twists.”

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Anything Orange Will Now Be Triple-Taxed

In what many are calling a “transparent but hilarious swipe,” the Cypriot government has also announced a “saturation-based tariff multiplier” on “any object, product, or person exceeding the acceptable Pantone range of orange.”

This includes:

• Spray tans
• Certain basketballs
• And “all photos of Donald Trump imported for comedic or spiritual purposes”

When pressed on whether this measure was personal, the Minister blinked slowly and replied, “We simply have to protect our citizens from visual aggression.”

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Burger Tax, Bald Eagle Ban, and More

Additional retaliatory steps include:

• A €9 surcharge on every McDonald’s burger sold, unless it comes with halloumi
• A ban on American peanut butter “until they learn how to pronounce it without chewing it”
• A temporary prohibition on the bald eagle, which may no longer appear in Cypriot children’s books unless wearing a bikini and singing To Gelio Sou Klei

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Americans in Cyprus Respond: Mildly Confused, Extra Toasty

Many U.S. expats in Cyprus were caught off guard.

“I just came here for the sun and the commandaria,” said Brad, a retired gym teacher from Ohio now living in Peyia. “I didn’t expect a cheese war.”

Others were more understanding.

“If someone taxed my olives, I’d lose it too,” said Karen from Minnesota, currently waiting in line at Alphamega with a cart full of cheddar and fear.

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Washington Silent, Florida Confused

The U.S. government has not yet responded to Cyprus’s measures. However, a source close to Donald Trump claimed he was “deeply insulted by the cheese thing” and has considered declaring war on the word ‘halloumi’, unless someone explains what it is using short words and golden markers.

Back in Nicosia, Minister Fylaktou concluded the press conference by saying:

“We stand ready to defend our exports, our taste buds, and our sense of dignity — unless Netflix brings back Friends. Then all is forgiven.”

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This article is satirical. Cyprus has not declared a dairy war on the United States. But if we did, we’d win.