NICOSIA — In a historic press conference held inside a moving traffic jam on Makariou Avenue, the Cypriot government has finally revealed its long-awaited strategy to combat the ever-worsening traffic problem in Nicosia. The plan, titled “Operation Unblock the Republic™,” has been described as “visionary,” “ambitious,” and by one diplomat as “what happens when you let your uncle write policy after three zivania.”

Transport Minister Panayiotis Karkaletsos, standing in front of a partially melted Smart car, outlined a 13-point master plan that promises to make the capital “flow like halloumi in the sun.”

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Phase One: “Teleportation Lanes”

Inspired by science fiction and wishful thinking, the government plans to paint bright purple lanes along major roads and designate them for “future teleportation use.”

While the technology does not yet exist, the minister assured the public, “It’s the thought that counts. And the paint was already ordered.”

Drivers caught using the teleportation lanes before the year 2080 will receive a €37 fine and be forced to listen to an endless loop of horn symphonies from Geroskipou.

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Phase Two: Goat-Based Carpool System

In a bid to promote alternative transportation, the ministry is partnering with the Department of Agriculture to launch the “Baaa-Baa Bus” initiative, wherein trained goats will transport residents through narrow backstreets.

Each goat will wear a GPS collar, a tiny reflective vest, and a bell that plays a midi version of “Zorba’s Dance.”

Trials in Strovolos have been mixed. One test subject reported: “I arrived smelling like freedom and livestock.”

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Phase Three: Ministry of Walking Fast

Recognizing that many people would rather abandon their vehicles than circle for parking one more time, the government is creating a new ministry dedicated to training citizens to walk faster.

Courses will be available at all Citizen Service Centers and will include:

• Power Walking in Flip-Flops
• Dodging Pigeons with Grace
• How to Walk Like You Know Where You’re Going (Even If You Don’t)

Participants who pass the final exam (walking from the Post Office to Debenhams in under 3 minutes without swearing) will receive a “Fast-Leg Certified” badge and a government-issued cold towel.

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Roundabout Roulette

To reduce accidents and encourage “spontaneous cooperation,” one major Nicosia roundabout will be converted into a “Priority Optional Zone,” where rules are determined by eye contact and horn tone.

“We’re bringing back the human element,” said the minister, “and a little danger.”

Local insurance companies have already declared bankruptcy in anticipation.

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Airlifting the Old Town

In a surprise move, the government also announced an exploratory plan to physically lift the entire Old Town of Nicosia and rotate it 90 degrees “to create better traffic feng shui.”

Engineers have not been consulted, but a local man with a forklift and a dream has volunteered.

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Traffic Police to Be Replaced by Trained Cats

To free up human officers for more pressing duties (like managing birthday party parades and removing cones from sidewalks), traffic enforcement will now be handled by a fleet of highly observant cats.

Each cat will wear a tiny hat and sit judgmentally on traffic islands. Drivers who fail to impress the cat will be fined.

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Public Reaction

• “This is insane.”
• “I fully support the goat carpool.”
• “If I see one more teleportation lane, I’m applying for Cypriot citizenship somewhere else.”

One woman in Engomi has already claimed a purple lane for personal roller-skating and says she feels “spiritually released.”

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Final Statement from the Government

“Traffic is not just a problem — it’s a state of mind,” said Minister Karkaletsos.
“We must think outside the box. And then turn the box into a tram. Powered by goats. Teleported to freedom.”

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This article is satirical. Nicosia traffic remains very real, very slow, and very good at reminding you to leave the house 40 minutes earlier than necessary.