NICOSIA — In response to widespread frustration over the island’s ever-growing network of traffic cameras, the Cypriot government has announced a bold, innovative, and completely normal solution: replacing traffic enforcement with stealth ninjas and time-traveling goats. The new initiative, codenamed “Operation Flashless Justice,” will be trialed in Nicosia, where frustrated drivers have spent months being photographed mid-yawn, mid-souvla bite, and in one case, mid-karaoke solo to “Zorba’s Dance.”

The Cameras Are Watching. Always.

Citizens have long complained that the traffic cameras appear to flash randomly — sometimes for speeding, sometimes for breathing too confidently. A man in Limassol reported receiving a fine for “Suspiciously Smooth Lane-Changing.” “I wasn’t even in a car,” he told reporters. “I was riding a bicycle. Backwards. Uphill.”

Enter the Ninjas

Under the new plan, trained ninjas will be stationed at key intersections, silently correcting driver behavior using intense eye contact and passive-aggressive haikus. One ninja, speaking anonymously from the shadows of a bush, explained:
“If a driver doesn’t signal, we appear on their dashboard, hand them a banana, and vanish. The meaning is unclear — but deeply unsettling.”

But What About the Time-Traveling Goats?

To reduce reliance on digital enforcement, the government has enlisted 5 specially trained goats, each fitted with retro-futuristic helmets and the power to leap backwards in time by up to 12 minutes.

Their mission? To appear just before a traffic violation occurs and gently block the car using their fluffy bodies and judgmental bleats.

“If a goat stares into your soul, you will slow down,” said a Ministry spokesperson. “It’s science.”

New Fines to Be Paid in Local Embarrassment

Drivers caught violating traffic rules under the new system will no longer be fined in euros. Instead, they must:

• Read their speeding ticket out loud at the next family gathering

• Wear a high-vis vest that says “I Ignored a Zebra Crossing” for one week

• Apologize to a random traffic cone and mean it

Public Reaction

• Drivers: “At least the ninjas don’t flash in your face.”

• Tourists: “We thought the goats were a quirky Cypriot tradition.”

• The Goats: “Baaaaa.”

This is satire. Cyprus is still enforcing traffic laws with actual cameras. But if you ever see a goat staring at you near a roundabout… maybe just slow down anyway.