Cyprus Government Announces Compensation for 2013 Haircut Victims — Payment to Be Made in Coupons, Goat Shares, and One Hug from the Minister
NICOSIA — In a move described by analysts as “twelve years too late but weirdly on brand,” the Cypriot government has finally unveiled a bold, groundbreaking, questionably serious plan to compensate citizens who lost their savings in the 2013 financial “haircut.”
Dubbed the “Economic Restoration & Emotional Apology Package (EREAP™),” the initiative promises to restore dignity, financial stability, and possibly one toaster per household, depending on budget availability.
“We hear you,” said Finance Minister Panayiotis Mpasias during a televised address while seated on a beanbag. “And we’re prepared to respond — mostly in vouchers.”
What’s in the EREAP™ Package?
The official compensation package includes:
- A €12 Alphamega voucher (expires next Thursday)
- Two shares in a government-approved goat farm in Vavla
- A laminated certificate of “Unintentional Financial Bravery”
- One photo of former President Anastasiades blinking nervously
- Access to a government portal where you can scream anonymously for up to 90 seconds per week
For premium-level haircut victims (those who lost more than €100,000), the package includes:
- A 2013 commemorative euro coin, melted into the shape of a tear
- Front-row seats to the next televised parliamentary argument
- A personal apology written on a beach rock by a Ministry intern
“It’s Not About the Money, It’s About the Vibe”
When asked why the package contains no actual cash, officials explained:
“We believe in alternative value systems: community, symbolism, and locally sourced cheese.”
Economists have expressed mixed feelings:
- “It’s nonsense.”
- “But it’s premium Cypriot nonsense.”
Citizens React: Confused, Laughing, Crying
- “I lost my life savings, and they gave me a goat named Leonidas. But he’s growing on me.”
- “Can I sell my apology certificate on eBay?”
- “They offered me a hug from the Minister. I said no. They upgraded it to a back rub.”
Several citizens stormed the Ministry of Finance demanding real money, only to be handed fresh oregano and a Spotify playlist called “Mood: Regret but Make It Bouzouki.”
Additional Optional Compensations (Choose One)
Citizens may opt to receive instead:
- A voucher for one free souvla, redeemable only during government-approved feast days
- A small Cypriot flag signed by three members of parliament who are “pretty sure they didn’t vote for the haircut”
- A one-minute rent-free rant during a live RIK broadcast
- An all-expenses-paid weekend at the Central Bank of Cyprus’ abandoned emotions department
Launch of the “National Haircut Registry”
All haircut victims are encouraged to register on the new Gov.cy/HaircutPain portal, where users can:
- Upload emotional damage receipts
- Rate their suffering from “Mildly Inconvenient” to “I Still Cry in Supermarkets”
- Compete in a national meme contest titled “Where Were You When My Money Disappeared?”
The top 5 submissions will be printed on postage stamps and immediately discontinued.
EU Reaction: Once Again, Confused but Intrigued
The European Commission released a statement:
“This appears to be a joke. But honestly, it’s Cyprus. It could go either way.”
Germany reportedly offered to match the compensation with beer and stern lectures. Greece offered to “look busy” in solidarity.
Closing Statement from the Government
“We can’t change the past,” said Minister Mpasias, dramatically facing west.
“But we can offer 10% off your next hair appointment. With a valid voucher. And proof of trauma.”
This article is satirical. The 2013 haircut was real. Unfortunately, so is the memory. But maybe the goat isn’t such a bad idea.
