LARNACA & PAPHOS — In a bold move to accommodate record-breaking tourist numbers, rising emigration, and suspiciously oversized hand luggage, the Cypriot government has announced a massive expansion of both Larnaca and Paphos airports — including new terminals, enhanced runways, and an entire wing dedicated to shouting goodbyes in the parking lot.

The plan, dubbed “Operation Terminal Velocity,” aims to transform Cyprus into “the Mediterranean’s most chaotic but loveable air transit experience by 2027.”

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Features Include:

• New runways built diagonally “for a bit of spice.”
• Designated zones for last-minute koupepia drop-offs.
• Separate security lanes for people who “swear they’ve flown before.”
• Automated “Sheftalia Detection System” at customs.

Architects promise that the expanded terminals will “maintain the traditional character of Cypriot airports” — including:

• Broken luggage scales
• One working escalator
• Two open check-in desks at 5:00 a.m. for 800 passengers

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Special “Auntie Wing” Coming to Larnaca

Responding to public demand, Larnaca Airport will feature a new “Auntie Wing”, designed for large family send-offs. It includes:

• Crying zones
• Louder-than-average cafés
• A hall of rolling suitcases carrying only Cypriot snacks, holy icons, and emergency halloumi

There will also be designated areas for shouting travel instructions to loved ones already on the plane.

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Paphos to Introduce “Tourist Compression Zone”

Paphos Airport will test a controversial new innovation: the Tourist Compression Zone (TCZ), which promises to fit “five flights worth of British tourists into one Ryanair gate lounge — comfortably or otherwise.”

Officials admit the science is unclear but say it relies on a mix of patience, humidity, and fear of missing boarding.

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Duty-Free to Expand into Spiritual Space

Both airports will triple the size of their Duty-Free shops, now offering:

• Scented candles named “Limassol Sunset” and “Sweaty Taxi Ride”
• Local wines with labels that say “Definitely Not From Lidl”
• A €32 bottle of zivania labeled “Airport Exclusive,” but available in every kiosk on the island

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Opposition Voices Concerns

Critics argue that the expansion will cause more noise, more traffic, and more emotional airport goodbyes. One MP warned,

“If this many people keep flying in, we’ll run out of frappe cups by July.”

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Ministry’s Official Statement

The Ministry of Transport reassured the public that the expansion will be “done with Cypriot efficiency,” meaning:

• Plans will be drawn
• Meetings will be held
• Construction may or may not begin within this decade

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This article is satirical. Real airport expansions are underway, but there are currently no plans for diagonal runways or koupepia scanning.