NICOSIA — In what’s being described as the most Cypriot football thing ever, the Cyprus Football Association (CFA) has accidentally updated its official schedule to list every single league match this season as a “derby.” The result? Utter mayhem, passionate screaming, and a man in Ayia Napa being slapped with a koulouri for wearing the wrong scarf.

According to sources, the mistake happened after a well-meaning intern at the CFA, tasked with “adding a bit of spice” to the match listings, clicked “apply to all” on the word “Derby” in the fixture spreadsheet. The update went live at midnight, and the country has not been the same since.

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CFA Statement: “We Cannot Undo It. The Excel File is Cursed.”

“We tried to fix it,” said a frazzled CFA official. “But every time we change it back, it auto-corrects to ‘DERBY APOCALYPSE MODE.’”

As a result:

• Omonia vs APOEL is still a derby
• Ermis vs Karmiotissa is now being called “The Battle of Slightly Similar Shirt Colors”
• Doxa vs Olympiakos Nicosia is being billed as “The Great Clash of Teams That Share the Same Bus Company”

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Fans Spiraling Into Madness

Across Cyprus, fans are taking the derby news very personally. Some have begun organizing:

• Pre-game punch-ups in parking lots of unrelated supermarkets
• Choreographed flares in corner cafés
• Mildly aggressive glances at anyone wearing navy blue, even if it’s jeans

One man in Larnaca demanded his next-door neighbor “pick a side or move out,” despite the neighbor only being interested in table tennis.

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Mascots Begin Taunting Each Other in Public Spaces

In Paphos, a club mascot was seen heckling a rival team’s mascot in a Lidl car park, chanting,
“YOU’RE NOT EVEN A REAL PARROT!”
This led to a bizarre chase involving shopping trolleys and three elderly ladies yelling “ELA RE” on loop.

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New Rivalries Created on the Spot

• Ayia Napa vs Peyia now dubbed the “Coastal Cold War”
• Nea Salamina vs the local souvlaki shop after the owner posted “supporters get no extra tzatziki”
• Othellos Athienou vs common sense

Several fans have formed new ultras groups overnight, including:

• “Derby Boys of Monday Nights Only”
• “Gate 0.5”
• “Union of Very Confused Grandparents Who Just Wanted To Watch The News”

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UEFA Asks “What Is Going On?”

After hearing about the 74 simultaneous “derbies” scheduled in one weekend, UEFA sent an urgent email reading:

“Is everything okay over there? Do you need help? Or hugs?”

The CFA responded with a photo of a man waving a flare from a roundabout in Pyla and the message:
“This is the way.”

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Emergency Measures Passed

To maintain order, the government has introduced the following:

• All fans must wear neutral colors (beige, faded green, or “uncertain grey”)
• Referees to be escorted by armored goats
• Commentators must whisper for safety
• All matches to be played behind closed doors, except for curious cats and loud uncles

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Final Matchday of the Season Declared “National Shouting Holiday”

The final round will see:

• 14 matches played simultaneously in one village field
• 12 referees using rock-paper-scissors for decisions
• One stadium entirely filled with cardboard cutouts of previous mayors, for “historical accuracy”

The winning team will receive the Golden Bourekki Trophy and a voucher for 5 minutes of uninterrupted celebration before being booed by the opposing fans’ aunties.

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This article is satirical. But deep down, every Cypriot football fan knows — every match feels like a derby anyway.