Cypriot Archbishop Accuses Phidias of Serving Turkey — Experts Fear He May Also Control Weather, Chickens, and Eurovision Votes
After the Cypriot Archbishop accused YouTuber Phidias of being “at the service of Turkey,” the situation spiraled into full-blown conspiracy madness — including theories that he controls the weather, Eurovision votes, and the squeakiness of halloumi. Phidias, visibly baffled, responded with a frappé and the statement, “I don’t even know what I’m supposed to have done.”
Cyprus Retaliates Against Trump’s EU Tariff Plan by Slapping 300% Tax on American Cheese, Netflix, and Anything Orange
In a bold (and deeply Cypriot) response to Donald Trump’s proposed EU import tariffs, Cyprus has announced its own wildly symbolic countermeasures — including a 300% tax on American cheese, orange-colored objects, and Netflix rom-coms without yiayias. Officials promise further retaliation unless halloumi is internationally respected “as the dairy deity it is.”
Cyprus Taxi Drivers Stage Protest Over Possible Arrival of Uber: “You Can’t Rate a Vibe with Stars”
As the government considers letting Uber operate in Cyprus, local taxi drivers take to the streets in protest — not just against competition, but in defense of their sacred cultural role as part-time philosophers, tour guides, and emotional support uncles. “A ride isn’t just transport,” one driver cried. “It’s storytelling at 120km/h with no seatbelt.”
Cypriot Government Unveils “Official Corruption License” — Now You Can Bribe Legally (With a Receipt!)
In a bold new initiative to modernize dishonesty, the Cypriot government has introduced the Official Corruption License™ — a laminated, gold-trimmed card that lets citizens bribe legally, provided they file the right paperwork and wink in the correct tone. Critics are outraged. Everyone else is already in line.
Fidias Panayiotou Reportedly Replaced by a Gerbil for Two Weeks — Nation Only Realized After Rodent Tried to Enter European Parliament
In a baffling yet somehow believable twist, Fidias Panayiotou was secretly replaced by a gerbil in a blazer for two weeks — attending parliament sessions, voting on legislation, and even giving squeaky interviews. The nation only caught on when the rodent bolted with a crouton mid-session. Fidias later confirmed the switch, claiming, “Fidiaki served with dignity and didn’t once ask for a frappe.”