NICOSIA — In a shocking and utterly shameless move, the Republic of Cyprus has officially announced the triumphant return of its notorious Golden Visa program — now with even fewer questions asked, and more glitter.

Rebranded as the “Platinum Passport™”, the scheme promises instant citizenship, immediate land ownership, and the legal right to call your neighbors “peasants” — all for the low, low price of €2.5 million or one slightly radioactive beachfront hotel.

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What You Get as a Proud Golden Person

Each new Platinum Passport holder will receive:

• A Cypriot passport with gold trim and a built-in compass that points to the nearest tax loophole
• Ownership of at least one half-finished tower in Limassol
• An honorary doctorate from a university that may or may not exist
• A complimentary framed photo of Archbishop Makarios wearing Gucci sunglasses

In some rural communities, applicants will automatically be assigned as “Acting Mayor for Life”, with full authority to rename roads, approve their own planning permissions, and implement a personal siesta schedule for the entire village.

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New and Improved Eligibility Criteria:

To apply, investors must provide:

• Proof of funds (or a very convincing nod)
• At least one supercar with LED lighting in the interior
• A brief PowerPoint presentation titled: “Why I Deserve Cyprus”
• A strong desire to never pay income tax again

Bonus points awarded for:

• Owning a crypto-themed yacht
• Having once eaten halloumi without flinching at the salt
• Posting Instagram stories of a Larnaca sunset with the caption “New home 💛🇨🇾 #blessed”

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Special Investor Benefits Include:

• A VIP Queue at immigration featuring plush chairs, a frappe station, and soothing bouzouki music
• Diplomatic immunity on all roundabouts
• The right to say, “My great-grandmother was probably Greek,” without being corrected
• Automatic enrollment in the Order of the Golden Flip-Flop, Cyprus’ highest civilian honor for offshore investments

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Public Reaction: Mixed, Loud, and Covered in Tsipouro

Cypriot citizens were quick to react:

• “At least this time they’re not pretending it’s about culture.”
• “Can I get a Silver Visa if I promise not to build a skyscraper?”
• “Do these people know where Vavatsinia is? No? Then they shouldn’t be mayor of it.”

Meanwhile, several locals have begun forging their own “Platinum Passports” using leftover election posters and old loyalty cards from Alphamega.

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European Union Response: Disappointed But Tired

The EU Commission has issued a statement saying:

“We told you not to do this again. You said you wouldn’t. And yet here we are. Again. Honestly, at this point we’re just impressed.”

In retaliation, Brussels is considering countermeasures, including:

• Replacing all Cypriot feta in European stores with Danish white cheese
• Scheduling Cyprus’ Eurovision slot for 4:00 a.m.
• Demanding all Cypriot ministers take a 3-day ethics seminar in Luxembourg, where they’ll be forced to share one room with Latvia

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Notable Early Applicants

• A Russian billionaire who thought “Nicosia” was a luxury vodka
• A mysterious “tech investor” from Dubai whose LinkedIn job title is just “Freedom Architect”
• A British influencer who mistakenly believed this gave her control over all of Paphos

All applicants will be sworn in during a lavish beachfront ceremony featuring fireworks, drones, bouzouki remixes of Lady Gaga, and a priest reading real estate listings as holy scripture.

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Final Word from the Government

When asked about the ethics of the program, a government spokesperson wearing a blazer made of €50 notes said:

“We’ve learned from our past mistakes. This time, we’re not even pretending it’s about national interest. It’s just vibes.”

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This article is satirical. Cyprus is definitely not offering free mayorships with property purchases. Yet.