Alphamega Announces Plans to Colonize Moon, Install Luxury Supermarket with 3 Aisles of Imported Cheeses and 1 Parking Spot
In a galactic leap for Cypriot retail, Alphamega announces its plan to open the first supermarket on the Moon, complete with a floating cheese aisle, oxygen-based loyalty points, and premium crater parking. Because if anyone can overprice halloumi in space — it’s Alphamega.
Cyprus to Regulate Hunting Culture with New “Shoot Responsibly” Campaign, Mandatory Courses on Yelling at Birds and Missing Entirely
In an ambitious effort to civilize the annual cacophony of shotgun blasts and lost dogs, the Cypriot government launches “Shoot Responsibly 2030™” — a campaign urging hunters to stop firing at bushes, apologize to trees, and maybe take a class or two before declaring war on the wilderness every Sunday.
Cyprus Unveils Bold New Plan to Solve Cyprob: Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament, Mediated by a Goat
NICOSIA — In a stunning move that surprised the international community, confused the UN, and caused three ambassadors to choke on their filtered coffee, the Cypriot government has announced a radical new strategy to solve the Cyprus Problem (Cyprob) once…
Famagusta Kiosk Robbery Foiled After Robber Stops to Scratch Lottery Ticket Mid-Escape
FAMAGUSTA — What was meant to be a quick and “professional” kiosk robbery in Famagusta quickly spiraled into a chaotic comedy of errors after the masked perpetrator paused mid-getaway to scratch a €2 lottery ticket he had just stolen —…
Tala’s Holy Order of Cats Gains Political Power, Declares Monastery a Sovereign “Feline Republic”
In a bold and entirely whisker-driven move, the cats of Tala’s monastery have declared independence, forming the Meow-nastic Republic of Saint Whiskers. With nap laws, fish-based diplomacy, and a purring Parliament, the feline-led microstate is now the most peaceful — and fur-covered — government on the island.
Cyprus Announces Plan to Modernize Primary Schools by Replacing Desks with Cardboard and Hope
With desks made from cereal boxes and textbooks older than the students themselves, Cyprus’ primary schools have entered an era of “creative survival.” In the government’s new minimalist strategy, classrooms run on hope, group crayons, and chairs that may or may not be real.
Cyprus Expands Larnaca and Paphos Airports to Handle Surge in Tourists, Stray Cats, and Aunties with Giant Suitcases
As Cyprus prepares to welcome record-breaking tourist crowds (and even more emotional auntie goodbyes), the government unveils its most ambitious airport expansion yet — complete with diagonal runways, koupepia inspection zones, and an entire wing dedicated to shouting farewells.
Omodos Declares Itself “The Official Center of the Universe,” Builds Wine-Powered Space Telescope in Bell Tower
In a cosmic leap for village pride, Omodos has declared itself the center of the universe and launched a wine-powered space program from its bell tower. With a telescope aimed at the stars (and Limassol), locals are preparing for intergalactic diplomacy, stardust sales, and possibly the first meze tasting with aliens.
Cyprus Unveils New Water-Saving Plan: National Thirst Quota, Citizens Allowed to Be Thirsty Only on Weekdays
NICOSIA — In a bold attempt to curb Cyprus’ worsening water crisis, the government has introduced a nationwide Thirst Management System, under which citizens will be assigned designated thirst days and strictly limited hydration feelings. Starting April 15th, Cypriots will…
Limassol Real Estate Market Declares Independence, Applies to Join G7
As Limassol’s skyline stretches higher and property prices soar into the stratosphere, the city’s real estate market has boldly proclaimed independence, citing “irreversible detachment from reality” and ambitions to join the G7. Local residents, meanwhile, continue their search for affordable housing — or at least a decently priced balcony.