“Karen of Lakatamia” Declared Public Nuisance After 47th Incident at Mall of Cyprus Involving Candle Complaints and Pretzel Rage
Mall-goers in Nicosia brace for chaos whenever “Karen of Lakatamia” arrives — armed with scented candle complaints, pretzel accusations, and a deep, unshakable belief that the escalator should go the other way. After her 47th incident at the Mall of Cyprus, authorities are considering installing “Karen-Proof Zones” to contain the emotional fallout.
Cyprus Government Unveils Bold New Plan to Tackle Nicosia Traffic: Teleportation Lanes, Goat Carpools, and Ministry of Walking Fast
In a bold attempt to solve Nicosia’s traffic crisis, the Cypriot government has unveiled an outrageous new plan involving teleportation lanes, goat-powered carpools, and a Ministry of Walking Fast. While experts call it “ambitious,” locals are just wondering why a purple lane now leads directly into a bakery.
Cypriot Government Unveils “Official Corruption License” — Now You Can Bribe Legally (With a Receipt!)
In a bold new initiative to modernize dishonesty, the Cypriot government has introduced the Official Corruption License™ — a laminated, gold-trimmed card that lets citizens bribe legally, provided they file the right paperwork and wink in the correct tone. Critics are outraged. Everyone else is already in line.
Orthodox Church Launches “Project Divine Comeback” to Win Back Churchgoers: Incense Cannons, Holy Water Splash Zones, and Confession Drive-Thrus
Faced with empty pews and a generation more devoted to frappé than faith, the Orthodox Church has launched “Project Divine Comeback” — an outrageous initiative featuring incense cannons, rotating altars, confession drive-thrus, and TikTok hymn challenges. Church has never been so loud, so fragrant, or so deeply confused.
Fidias Panayiotou Reportedly Replaced by a Gerbil for Two Weeks — Nation Only Realized After Rodent Tried to Enter European Parliament
In a baffling yet somehow believable twist, Fidias Panayiotou was secretly replaced by a gerbil in a blazer for two weeks — attending parliament sessions, voting on legislation, and even giving squeaky interviews. The nation only caught on when the rodent bolted with a crouton mid-session. Fidias later confirmed the switch, claiming, “Fidiaki served with dignity and didn’t once ask for a frappe.”
EXCLUSIVE: Polis Real Estate Developer Denies Cost-of-Living Crisis, Claims “People Just Need to Eat Less at Full Moons”
In a delightfully unhinged interview, Polis real estate developer Savvas Frangos denies the existence of a cost-of-living crisis, claiming people simply “lack barter skills and citrus vision.” From fig-based inflation fixes to houses powered by gossip heat, Savvas offers alternative facts and even more alternative logic — all backed by goats, vibes, and something he calls Polinomics™.
Cyprus Government Announces Compensation for 2013 Haircut Victims — Payment to Be Made in Coupons, Goat Shares, and One Hug from the Minister
In a historic (and deeply strange) move, the Cypriot government announces compensation for 2013 haircut victims — offering Alphamega vouchers, partial goat ownership, and a laminated apology. Cash? No. But you will receive a Spotify playlist and a chance to scream online.
Wizz Air to Acquire Cyprus Airways in Shocking Deal Involving €1,000, a Drone, and 12,000 Litres of Hot Pink Paint
In a jaw-droppingly pink twist, Wizz Air announces its plan to buy out Cyprus Airways for €1,000 and a drone, promising holographic dolphins, glitter water, and planes so loud they can be heard from Troodos. The newly rebranded “WizzAphrodite™” vows to make flying cheaper, weirder, and way more sparkly.
BREAKING: Cyprus Reintroduces Golden Visas, Now Includes Complimentary Yacht, Village Mayorship, and a Lifetime Supply of Halloumi Air Fresheners
Cyprus reboots its infamous Golden Visa program with even fewer regulations and a lot more sparkle. Now, investors can earn citizenship, honorary village mayorships, and a lifetime supply of halloumi-scented air fresheners — all for the price of a luxury villa and a mildly shady offshore company.
Cypriot Football Federation Accidentally Declares Every Match a Derby, Chaos Ensues as Fans Storm Random Bakeries
Chaos erupts across Cyprus after the football federation mistakenly labels every single league match as a derby. Now, even mid-table clashes are treated like ancient blood feuds, mascots are brawling in parking lots, and one man has been banned from a bakery for wearing the wrong jersey.