Alphamega Announces Plans to Colonize Moon, Install Luxury Supermarket with 3 Aisles of Imported Cheeses and 1 Parking Spot
NICOSIA — In a move that has stunned economists, angered astronauts, and confused goats, Alphamega Hypermarkets has announced its boldest expansion plan yet: a full-scale lunar colonization mission, with the goal of opening the first luxury supermarket on the Moon by 2032.
The plan, codenamed “Project Halloumi Rising”, was unveiled during a livestreamed press conference held in Aisle 17 of the Engomi branch, between the gluten-free crackers and “artisanal hummus for €6.45.”
“Why stop at every neighborhood in Cyprus,” proclaimed CEO Lambros Megalopolis, “when we can charge €3.20 for a banana on the Moon?”
Key Features of the Moon Store
According to company documents smuggled into the public via a misplaced loyalty coupon, Alphamega Luna™ will include:
- A wine cave carved into a crater, offering over 700 labels, all of them from the Peloponnese
- A cheese room maintained at optimal temperature by lunar shadows and the cold vacuum of space
- The island’s first gravity-defying meat counter, where lamb chops float gently toward your shopping basket
- A VIP card system tied to oxygen privileges (Platinum-tier shoppers breathe more)
To reduce overhead costs, employees will wear dual-purpose space suits and hairnets. All barcode scanners will operate using advanced laser beams powered by customer anxiety.
Parking Will Be Available (Kind Of)
Despite the Moon’s surface being, technically, limitless, parking will still be limited to 6 spaces, one of which is reserved for “management emergencies,” and another permanently occupied by a rusted trolley last seen in 2018.
Shoppers arriving by space shuttle must scan their Alphamega Loyalty App (Beta Lunar Edition) to avoid a €12 docking fee.
Earth-Based Stores to Undergo “Interplanetary Rebranding”
In preparation for the expansion, Alphamega will rename all Cyprus branches with more “galactic energy”, including:
- Alphamega Strovolos → AlphaSector 9
- Alphamega Lakatamia → The Carb Nebula
- Alphamega Kapsalos → Lunar Loop West
- Alphamega Skali → Still under construction. Forever.
Self-checkout counters will be reprogrammed to speak in cosmic riddles, and price tags will now list items in both euros and “MegaBits,” a fictional lunar currency backed by frozen fish fingers.
Public Reaction: Baffled, But Going Anyway
Shoppers were quick to weigh in:
- “As long as they still have 3-for-2 on halloumi, they can open on Mars.”
- “Will there be free parking validation for lunar residents?”
- “I don’t care where it is, if I forget the coriander, I’ll have to go back.”
One woman attempted to pre-book a Moon delivery slot using her husband’s phone and a biscuit tin.
Astronauts Protest “Retail Gentrification of the Moon”
NASA released a statement expressing concern about “excessive commercial presence” on the Moon, citing fears that Alphamega’s presence might inflate prices in the Sea of Tranquility and “attract influencers.”
The European Space Agency is more supportive, on the condition that Alphamega stocks Austrian yogurt in low orbit.
Meanwhile, a small protest group of astronauts and astrophysicists have begun orbiting the Earth in a shopping trolley chained to a satellite, demanding a ban on floating promo bins.
Delivery Services to Be “Exploratory”
Cyprus’ Go Delivery service has confirmed it will support Alphamega Luna™ deliveries, though the estimated delivery time is between 17–21 business months.
All lunar deliveries will arrive in customized bags made of recycled astronaut gloves and include:
- A slightly bruised avocado
- A bottle of wine that somehow opened itself
- And a receipt the length of a novella
Alphamega’s Final Word
“We’re not just building a supermarket,” said CEO Megalopolis, tearfully holding a vacuum-sealed pack of moussaka.
“We’re building a vision — one small step for man, one giant leap for bougatsa accessibility.”
Construction begins in 2029, provided they can find someone willing to do overnight shifts on the Moon.
This article is satirical. Alphamega has not announced plans for lunar retail. Yet. But if they do… we all know the parking won’t be enough.
