After MPs Block Radar Fine List, Cyprus Police Launch Insane New Methods to Collect Fines: Frappe Confiscations, Psychic Door-Knocking, and Drone-Mounted Loudspeakers
NICOSIA — Following the shocking decision by Cypriot MPs to block the release of the photo radar fine list — effectively protecting thousands of speeding sinners from facing justice — the Cyprus Police has responded in the only way they know how: with absolute madness and creative vengeance.
In an emergency midnight press briefing held in a tent behind the Ayios Dometios checkpoint (for dramatic effect), Police Commissioner Theofanis Karamouskas emerged wearing tactical sunglasses and holding a megaphone to announce “Operation ShameDrive™”, a multi-agency initiative to locate and penalize traffic offenders using “non-traditional, occasionally psychic, but always slightly terrifying means.”
Frappé Suspension Orders Begin Monday
Effective immediately, anyone suspected of owing radar fines will be placed under a Frappé Suspension Notice, meaning they may no longer be served iced coffee in any licensed establishment until their fine is settled in full.
Police officers, equipped with frappé-detecting thermal goggles, will patrol cafes islandwide, confiscating unauthorized beverages and replacing them with lukewarm tap water in a disposable thimble. “We’re hitting them where it hurts,” said one officer. “Right in the froth.”
“Flying ShameSquads” Deployed Over Larnaca
Unpaid fines of over €500 now trigger the launch of Police ShameDrones™, airborne devices equipped with loudspeakers and LED screens. These drones hover over offenders’ homes or workplaces and repeatedly announce:
“GEORGE, YOU DROVE 78KM/H IN A 50 ZONE. DO YOU THINK YOU’RE ABOVE THE LAW, GEORGE?”
The LED display shows the offender’s speed, face, license plate, and a satirical animation of their car being chased by a sentient souvla stick.
Traffic Fine Psychic Hotline Activated
In a bid to bypass legal obstacles, the police has outsourced collections to a network of certified Cypriot psychics, operating out of a caravan in Oroklini. These clairvoyants claim to be able to sense unpaid fines through spiritual interference with a person’s komboloi or coffee cup.
Those identified via aura distortion will receive a hand-delivered envelope containing a fine, a prayer, and a subtle threat in cursive script: “Pay now, or Troodos fog finds you.”
Fine-for-a-Favor Program Launches in Paphos
To speed up payments, a new “community barter” initiative allows drivers to settle their fines through community humiliation or small favors for the police force.
Acceptable options include:
- Washing three patrol cars with a sponge shaped like a goat
- Wearing a “I Brake for My Aunties” vest in public for a week
- Or doing a dramatic reading of your fine at your local periptero, during peak frappe hours
Randomized Traffic Court Pop-Ups at Traffic Lights
Officers now operate mobile Traffic Court Booths™, which appear unannounced at busy intersections. When the light turns red, a judge pops out of a van and points at a driver: “YOU! Article 72.1! Reverse denial of guilt!”
Cases are resolved in under 45 seconds. Appeals are allowed, but only via mime or interpretive dance.
Public Outrage and Secret Delight
While civil rights groups have condemned these methods as “possibly illegal and definitely unhinged,” others admit they’re effective. One citizen reported paying his fine out of fear after a drone whispered “we know about your roundabout behavior” outside his window at 2am.
Another motorist confessed he cleared his record after being denied frappé three times and served a boiled Cypriot coffee with oat milk instead. “I had no choice. It was psychological warfare.”
Police Double Down
“We tried paperwork,” Commissioner Karamouskas growled, lighting a cinnamon-scented candle for ambiance. “Now we try performance.”
As of today, all Cyprus Police cruisers will carry a karaoke machine, portable souvla grill, and an AI that generates haikus from license plate numbers. It’s unclear what role these play in enforcement, but “morale is at an all-time high,” says one sergeant.
Meanwhile in Parliament… Silence
MPs have refused to comment, citing “ongoing review” and “the need to protect citizens from bureaucracy.” Meanwhile, several were seen nervously glancing at drones circling the House of Representatives, slowly playing a distorted remix of “You Can’t Always Get What You Want.”
This article is satirical. No drones are publicly shaming anyone yet. But if you hear one humming above your house and your frappé suddenly vanishes — you know what you did.
