Cyprus to Regulate Hunting Culture with New “Shoot Responsibly” Campaign, Mandatory Courses on Yelling at Birds and Missing Entirely
NICOSIA — In an unprecedented attempt to rein in Cyprus’ increasingly theatrical hunting culture, the government has announced a sweeping reform initiative dubbed “Shoot Responsibly 2030™” — an ambitious campaign aiming to modernize, regulate, and, in their words, “gently reduce the number of early-morning explosions echoing across the countryside like a civil war reenactment gone wrong.”
The plan arrives in response to years of public outcry from hikers, dog walkers, birdwatchers, and confused tourists wondering why someone is firing a shotgun at 6 a.m. on a Tuesday.
Key Goals of the Campaign:
- Make hunting less terrifying
- Make birds more hopeful
- Make hunters slightly quieter or at least aim better
- Prevent the annual phenomenon of “The Great Plastic Shell Rain” across the countryside
Minister of Rural Affairs & Unexpected Loud Noises, Demetris Kalatzis, addressed the media in a press conference held behind a camouflage tarp for “authenticity”:
“We love tradition. We also love the environment. So the solution is simple: just don’t shoot literally everything.”
New Regulations and Surreal Requirements
Under the new law, all hunters must complete a two-day course titled “How to Hunt Without Causing a Minor Apocalypse.”
Modules include:
- Proper shotgun etiquette: “Muzzle awareness and why yelling ‘RE’ before shooting isn’t legally sufficient”
- Wildlife identification 101: “That’s a protected species, not your cousin’s lunch”
- The ethics of not unloading 14 shells into a bush because “you heard something move”
Additionally, hunters will be required to wear hi-vis vests that say “NOT A TREE”, to reduce friendly fire incidents and help differentiate them from low-hanging branches.
Seasonal Restrictions Updated (Kind Of)
Previously, hunting season was described loosely as:
“Whenever you feel like it, as long as you wink at the Forestry Department and offer them a souvla.”
Under the new plan, season dates will be strictly enforced — except during holidays, football match days, family name days, and days that are “just really good for it.”
Government-Issued “Hunting Phrases” Booklet Released
To preserve cultural authenticity, the government will distribute a small laminated booklet containing approved traditional phrases for use while hunting. These include:
- “Ήταν μεγάλο, σου λέω!” (It was big, I swear!)
- “Εκεί ήτανε, μετά εξαφανίστηκε.” (It was there, then it disappeared.)
- “Δεν είμαι σίγουρος αν ήταν περιστέρι ή τουρίστας.” (Not sure if it was a pigeon or a tourist.)
Dog Participation to Be Regulated
The campaign also addresses the unofficial army of hunting dogs that mysteriously appear each season, all named Max, Rambo, or Xena, and all completely ignoring their owners.
From 2025 onward, all hunting dogs must:
- Be registered
- Know at least two commands (not including “ΑΝΤΕ!”)
- Refrain from stealing food from neighboring picnic areas
In exchange, they will receive a government-approved bandana and a framed photo of a partridge to “emotionally bond with.”
Environmental Impact & Bullet Shell Amnesty
To tackle the growing number of abandoned shotgun shells littering the countryside, the Ministry has introduced the “Shell Back Program,” where hunters can return used shells in exchange for:
- A 3% discount at participating butchers
- A free frappe (if they don’t shoot the barista)
- A raffle ticket to win a year’s supply of “angry grandpa-approved” camouflage socks
Reactions Across the Island
- Hunters: “We respect the rules, but also… we don’t like being told what to do by people who use hand sanitizer.”
- Environmentalists: “We’ll take it. It’s not perfect, but at least now we might not get shot for hiking.”
- Birds: [no comment, too busy migrating]
Bonus Measure: National “Apologize to a Tree” Day
As part of the cultural healing process, every hunter will be encouraged to spend one day each season hugging a tree they’ve mistakenly fired at, offering it a verbal apology and a biscuit.
The Final Word
“We’re not trying to erase tradition,” said Minister Kalatzis, “we’re just trying to ensure future generations can still experience Cyprus’ natural beauty — and not confuse it for a war zone.”
This article is satirical. Hunting is a sensitive and deeply cultural topic in Cyprus — but maybe let’s leave a few birds alone, yeah? And maybe don’t shoot at 6 a.m. on a Wednesday near a primary school.
