Israeli Businessman and Son Sue Cyprus for €18 Trillion, Three Beaches, One Goat, and Emotional Damage Caused by Village Auntie’s Tone of Voice
NICOSIA — In a lawsuit that has left the island blinking slowly and checking its blood pressure, an Israeli businessman and his son — previously in the headlines for a €150 million land-related legal battle — have now escalated their case to absurd heights, demanding €18 trillion, ownership of the Troodos mountain range, exclusive rights to the Larnaca salt lake’s flamingos, and a lifetime supply of village koulouri.
Their lawyer, who insists on being referred to only as “The Legal Falcon,” filed a revised claim this morning in Nicosia District Court that now also names six Cypriot citizens, one Cypriot stray cat, and a kafeneio jukebox as “co-conspirators in the experience of emotional betrayal.”
What They’re Alleging Now
The lawsuit alleges that, in addition to the original land dispute, the plaintiffs suffered:
- “Spiritual disruption” after being waved at by a man named Andreas who “looked smug”
- “Culinary distress” after accidentally consuming moussaka that was “too nostalgic”
- And “unlawful emotional injury” after a random grandmother in Avgorou reportedly told them “you look tired” in a tone described as “passive-aggressive with ancestral undertones.”
In the court filing, the businessman claims:
“We were misled, misguided, and misfed. We came to Cyprus seeking land. What we found was humidity, bureaucracy, and a neighbor who kept asking if we believe in the evil eye.”
The Demands (So Far)
Alongside the astronomical monetary figure — which economists confirm “exceeds the combined GDP of the entire planet and several fictional kingdoms” — the plaintiffs are now seeking:
- Personal ownership of Cape Greco so they can “enjoy sunsets without judgment”
- Copyright of the word “re koumbare”, to be licensed back to Cypriots at €2.50 per use
- Transfer of the Cyprus donkey mascot program to their family’s name
- A ban on any Cypriot man named “Costas” from giving real estate advice
- Compensation for “permanent emotional haunting” after seeing a group of uncles arguing about halloumi over backgammon
Cypriot Defendants Confused, Mildly Annoyed
Among those named in the lawsuit are:
- Yiannis from Kiti, accused of “hostile potato energy” during a failed property tour
- Maria from Kolossi, whose lemon tree allegedly dropped fruit “with malice”
- A Larnaca traffic warden, who gave the plaintiffs a fine “in a way that implied we were not locally respected”
- And an elderly man in Deryneia who, according to the legal documents, “kept staring at our car like he knew something we didn’t.”
When approached for comment, Maria said:
“They came, they saw, they complained. I gave them lemonade. Was it cursed? Maybe. But that’s family recipe.”
Government Response: “We Will Politely Lose It”
The Ministry of Justice issued a polite but visibly trembling statement today:
“While all parties have the right to pursue legal avenues, we kindly ask that they do not request ownership of the sun, Cypriot air rights, or our collective childhood memories. We have limits.”
Unofficially, one civil servant was overheard muttering: “Next, they’ll sue us for the way we say ‘sigá sigá.’”
Public Reactions: Roaring Laughter & Deep Pride
- One Paphos farmer offered to personally throw in “a goat, but only the loud one.”
- A woman from Nicosia started a petition to counter-sue the plaintiffs for “emotional overreaction and property entitlement in excess of human logic.”
- Meanwhile, a Facebook group titled “We Are All That Lemon Tree” has gained 14,000 members overnight.
What’s Next?
The trial is set to begin sometime in 2027, possibly in the middle of a vineyard or an abandoned souvenir shop, depending on the court’s availability.
If the plaintiffs win, they will reportedly declare themselves “Protectors of Cypriot Property Law,” build a resort shaped like a lawyer’s briefcase, and demand that all legal documents be printed on goat skin.
If they lose, they have vowed to sue the concept of real estate itself and relocate to Troodos to start a new civilization based on spite and overly salted halloumi.
This article is satirical. No €18 trillion lawsuit has been filed (yet), and the lemon tree denies all allegations.
