AGIOS SYLAS — Chaos reigned on the Paphos-Limassol motorway this morning as six vehicles were involved in a pile-up that traffic police are now attributing to the most unlikely of culprits: a goat in a convertible blasting bouzouki music at full volume while wearing aviator sunglasses.

According to eyewitnesses, the goat — now identified as “Marios the Furious”, a former pet and part-time wedding mascot — somehow commandeered a silver Mazda MX-5 convertible and entered the motorway shortly after the Agios Sylas exit, weaving between lanes while nodding rhythmically to a remix of “Den Eimai Ego Gia Pollá”.

The Goat Drove “Better Than Some People,” Say Locals

Initial reports suggested a mechanical failure or fog, but dashcam footage from one of the vehicles involved clearly shows a bearded goat, top down, hooves on the wheel, and an energy drink in the cupholder.

“He had the roof off, ears flapping, and he was driving like a Limassolian after 3 frappes and one failed relationship,” said Marinos, a driver whose Corolla was rear-ended during the incident. “Honestly, I only crashed because I thought I was hallucinating.”

Another witness added, “He overtook me, gave me the nod, and then merged without signaling. A true local.”

What Happened?

Authorities say the goat entered the motorway after escaping from a children’s birthday party nearby, where he was part of an educational petting zoo entitled “Animals Who Regret Nothing.” He allegedly stole the keys from a distracted clown, whom witnesses described as “visibly shaken and covered in tzatziki.”

After starting the engine — which experts say he “probably learned from YouTube or sheer spite” — Marios accelerated onto the highway, triggering a chain reaction of confusion, brake-slamming, and a VW Golf spinning like a confused beyblade.

No Injuries, Except to Dignity

Miraculously, no serious injuries were reported, although several drivers have been treated for:

• Frappé whiplash
• Emotional disorientation
• And “deep spiritual confusion after being overtaken by a goat with better taste in music”

One elderly passenger reportedly fainted after hearing the goat briefly honk the horn to the rhythm of “Ela Re Patera.”

Goat Escaped, Last Seen in Kourion Area

The goat fled the scene, ditching the car and sprinting toward the archaeological site at Kourion, where tourists claim to have seen him standing atop the ancient amphitheater, silhouetted by the rising sun, “like some sort of chaotic Dionysian legend.”

Police have issued a statement warning the public not to approach the goat, “especially if he’s wearing shades or carrying a bluetooth speaker.” Animal control is on high alert, though officials admit, “he’s elusive, charming, and slightly faster than our scooters.”

Government Response: “This Is Why We Can’t Have Nice Things”

The Ministry of Transport has launched an investigation into why the motorway has no anti-goat barriers, why so many convertibles are left unlocked near birthday parties, and whether Cypriot animals should now be required to take basic driving tests.

In a press briefing, the Minister concluded:

“We were preparing for potholes, not papal goats with horsepower.”

This article is satirical. There was a real accident, but to our knowledge, no goats — musical or otherwise — were responsible. Drive safe, buckle up, and if you see a convertible goat, just let it pass.