“Karen of Lakatamia” Declared Public Nuisance After 47th Incident at Mall of Cyprus Involving Candle Complaints and Pretzel Rage
NICOSIA — Authorities are once again urging calm and “deep internal sighing” after a now-infamous British expat — known only as Karen of Lakatamia — caused her 47th public disturbance at the Mall of Cyprus, this time involving an emotionally charged confrontation with a scented candle and a cinnamon pretzel.
Eyewitnesses say the incident began peacefully enough, with Karen entering the mall wearing her trademark leopard-print visor, motivational flip-flops, and a face of preemptive disapproval. She immediately marched to the home decor store, where she reportedly began sniffing candles aggressively and declaring each one “absolutely toxic to British nostrils.”
Things escalated when she loudly accused a lavender candle of giving her a “spiritual rash,” prompting staff to offer assistance, which she declined in favor of shouting, “Where’s your manager? I need someone fluent in empathy.”
The Great Pretzel Standoff
After the candle incident, Karen allegedly stormed toward the food court “for emotional recovery,” only to be further enraged by a cinnamon pretzel from the kiosk.
“She bit it once, froze, then turned slowly like a weather system,” said a teenage bystander. “And then she screamed, ‘This is too warm — how dare you weaponize spices against me!’”
She then demanded a full refund, compensation in euros and “British respect,” and a written apology from the pretzel itself.
Repeated Offender
Mall security confirmed that Karen is well-known, having previously:
- Tried to return a plastic flamingo she didn’t purchase
- Filed a complaint against a mannequin she called “aggressively posed”
- Demanded the entire escalator be reversed because “I’m not going up in these shoes”
- Attempted to stage a protest outside Zara against the color beige
Her most notorious incident, however, was when she walked into the Apple Store, tapped on an iPhone, and loudly announced: “This doesn’t taste like apple.”
Public Reaction: Amused but Fatigued
Several shoppers have taken to social media to document their Karen sightings under the trending hashtag #MallKarenWatch, with one video capturing her yelling at a potted plant she believed was “smirking.”
Employees at the mall have been advised to “go limp” if approached, and to nod slowly while murmuring phrases like “That’s very brave of you” and “No, ma’am, a soy candle isn’t political.”
Karen Speaks Out
Reached for comment at her residence in Lakatamia, where she lives with three scented oil diffusers and a framed photo of Piers Morgan, Karen issued the following statement:
“I’m not difficult. I’m cultured. If anything, I’m providing a service. These people should be grateful I’m showing them how to run a proper mall — like the one in Croydon before it went downhill.”
She also added that she is considering legal action against the entire concept of Cyprus being “too sunny without consent.”
Ministry of Tourism Releases Statement
In response to growing concern over Karen’s activities, the Ministry of Tourism released a calm, tactful statement:
“Cyprus welcomes all visitors, but we kindly ask that you don’t argue with the air conditioning.”
Plans are in motion to install “Karen-Proof Zones” around key shopping centers, where the music is exclusively classical, the temperature is adjusted to “mildly judgmental,” and all candle scents are replaced with the essence of boiled potato.
Final Word
As of press time, Karen has been spotted once again at the Mall of Cyprus, reportedly demanding a refund from a massage chair because it “touched her back without emotional warning.” Security has been dispatched. The pretzel stand has gone into lockdown. And the scented candles have been placed into protective storage.
This article is satirical. Any resemblance to actual Karens, real or honorary, is entirely coincidental and also probably accurate.
