Wizz Air to Acquire Cyprus Airways in Shocking Deal Involving €1,000, a Drone, and 12,000 Litres of Hot Pink Paint
NICOSIA — In an unexpected and aggressively pastel announcement, Wizz Air has confirmed its plan to acquire Cyprus Airways, in what insiders are calling the “pinkest and most chaotic merger in aviation history.”
The deal — reportedly worth €1,000, a functioning drone, and lifetime rights to use the word “mega” in any context — was signed late last night using a glitter pen on a paper napkin from the Larnaca airport food court.
Wizz Air’s CEO József Váradi declared:
“We’ve conquered Eastern Europe. Now it’s time to take on the big one: Larnaca.”
Cyprus Airways to Become “WizzAphrodite™”
As part of the rebranding, Cyprus Airways will be renamed WizzAphrodite™, featuring:
- All-pink aircraft visible from space and frequently mistaken for flying bubble gum
- Flight attendants trained in sarcasm, interpretive dance, and rapid-fire upselling
- New slogan: “Wizz You Were Here™”
The planes will also feature holographic dolphins projected during takeoff and Greek mythology-themed mood lighting, which changes from Zeus blue to Ares red if turbulence lasts more than 6 minutes.
Onboard Experience Reimagined: “Like Flying, But Louder”
Wizz Air promises a “next-level” low-cost experience, including:
- Seating based on a “first to sprint down the jet bridge” policy
- €8 charge to use the armrest
- €5 to make eye contact with crew
- €2.50 to blink twice in a row during safety announcements
In-flight entertainment will now feature:
- “WizzTok™”, a short-form content stream of passengers reacting to food prices
- A calming audio loop of someone from Limassol whispering “Bro… relax…”
- Live raffle for the right to use the bathroom without judgment
Catering by “Pink Snack Express™”
Food service will include:
- €11 sandwiches that taste like ambition and regret
- Halloumi cubes on toothpicks for €7.99 (“Cypriot tapas”)
- “Hot meal surprise,” a rotating mystery dish served in a container labeled “Probably Pasta”
Drinks menu:
- Water: €3
- Sparkling water: €3.10
- Flat water but with glitter in it: €5
Ground Crew to Wear Wings and Glitter Helmets
All ground crew will now wear pink helmets with foam Pegasus wings, for “aesthetic and morale.” Passengers will be greeted at boarding gates with a choreographed slow clap and a single complimentary sticker that says “Wizz’d and Proud.”
Cyprus Airways Staff: Mildly Panicked, Mostly Confused
Employees were informed of the buyout via:
- A TikTok video captioned “New Era Loading 🚀💅”
- A push notification from an app they didn’t download
- A loudspeaker announcement during boarding: “Dear passengers, Cyprus Airways is now… something else. Buckle up.”
Training for legacy staff includes:
- How to smile while charging for luggage with emotional damage
- Folding uniforms into origami to save cabin space
- Reacting to angry passengers with “You’re lucky to even be here.”
Public Reactions Range from Awe to Agony
- Cypriots: “Will the flights still be delayed, or just fashionably late?”
- British Tourists: “As long as it gets me to Ayia Napa, I don’t care if it’s a pink kite.”
- Flight bloggers: “Honestly? Slay.”
- Stray cats at Paphos Airport: “We claim one plane as our home.”
Future Plans
WizzAphrodite™ has already teased its next moves:
- Direct flights from Larnaca to Limassol (via balloon)
- A floating check-in lounge shaped like Aphrodite’s face
- Wizz Ultra™, an even cheaper fare tier where passengers flap their arms slightly
There are also rumors of “Airbnb in the Sky” — letting passengers rent their seat to someone mid-flight for cash or souvlakia.
Final Word from Wizz Air
“We didn’t come to compete — we came to confuse,” said Váradi.
“Cyprus, prepare for liftoff. With sparkles.”
This article is satirical. Cyprus Airways is still functioning, for now, and no Pegasus-helmeted ground crew have been spotted. But if Wizz ever starts offering glitter water, you read it here first.
