EXCLUSIVE: Polis Real Estate Developer Denies Cost-of-Living Crisis, Claims “People Just Need to Eat Less at Full Moons”
In a delightfully unhinged interview, Polis real estate developer Savvas Frangos denies the existence of a cost-of-living crisis, claiming people simply “lack barter skills and citrus vision.” From fig-based inflation fixes to houses powered by gossip heat, Savvas offers alternative facts and even more alternative logic — all backed by goats, vibes, and something he calls Polinomics™.
Cyprus Government Announces Compensation for 2013 Haircut Victims — Payment to Be Made in Coupons, Goat Shares, and One Hug from the Minister
In a historic (and deeply strange) move, the Cypriot government announces compensation for 2013 haircut victims — offering Alphamega vouchers, partial goat ownership, and a laminated apology. Cash? No. But you will receive a Spotify playlist and a chance to scream online.
Wizz Air to Acquire Cyprus Airways in Shocking Deal Involving €1,000, a Drone, and 12,000 Litres of Hot Pink Paint
In a jaw-droppingly pink twist, Wizz Air announces its plan to buy out Cyprus Airways for €1,000 and a drone, promising holographic dolphins, glitter water, and planes so loud they can be heard from Troodos. The newly rebranded “WizzAphrodite™” vows to make flying cheaper, weirder, and way more sparkly.
BREAKING: Cyprus Reintroduces Golden Visas, Now Includes Complimentary Yacht, Village Mayorship, and a Lifetime Supply of Halloumi Air Fresheners
Cyprus reboots its infamous Golden Visa program with even fewer regulations and a lot more sparkle. Now, investors can earn citizenship, honorary village mayorships, and a lifetime supply of halloumi-scented air fresheners — all for the price of a luxury villa and a mildly shady offshore company.
Cypriot Football Federation Accidentally Declares Every Match a Derby, Chaos Ensues as Fans Storm Random Bakeries
Chaos erupts across Cyprus after the football federation mistakenly labels every single league match as a derby. Now, even mid-table clashes are treated like ancient blood feuds, mascots are brawling in parking lots, and one man has been banned from a bakery for wearing the wrong jersey.
Alphamega Announces Plans to Colonize Moon, Install Luxury Supermarket with 3 Aisles of Imported Cheeses and 1 Parking Spot
In a galactic leap for Cypriot retail, Alphamega announces its plan to open the first supermarket on the Moon, complete with a floating cheese aisle, oxygen-based loyalty points, and premium crater parking. Because if anyone can overprice halloumi in space — it’s Alphamega.
Cyprus to Regulate Hunting Culture with New “Shoot Responsibly” Campaign, Mandatory Courses on Yelling at Birds and Missing Entirely
In an ambitious effort to civilize the annual cacophony of shotgun blasts and lost dogs, the Cypriot government launches “Shoot Responsibly 2030™” — a campaign urging hunters to stop firing at bushes, apologize to trees, and maybe take a class or two before declaring war on the wilderness every Sunday.
Cyprus Unveils Bold New Plan to Solve Cyprob: Rock-Paper-Scissors Tournament, Mediated by a Goat
NICOSIA — In a stunning move that surprised the international community, confused the UN, and caused three ambassadors to choke on their filtered coffee, the Cypriot government has announced a radical new strategy to solve the Cyprus Problem (Cyprob) once…
Famagusta Kiosk Robbery Foiled After Robber Stops to Scratch Lottery Ticket Mid-Escape
FAMAGUSTA — What was meant to be a quick and “professional” kiosk robbery in Famagusta quickly spiraled into a chaotic comedy of errors after the masked perpetrator paused mid-getaway to scratch a €2 lottery ticket he had just stolen —…
Tala’s Holy Order of Cats Gains Political Power, Declares Monastery a Sovereign “Feline Republic”
In a bold and entirely whisker-driven move, the cats of Tala’s monastery have declared independence, forming the Meow-nastic Republic of Saint Whiskers. With nap laws, fish-based diplomacy, and a purring Parliament, the feline-led microstate is now the most peaceful — and fur-covered — government on the island.