About Halloumi News

Where Reality Takes a Coffee Break — and Satire Sizzles

Welcome to Halloumi News, Cyprus’ most trusted* (*not at all trusted) source for satirical reporting, fictional updates, and completely unnecessary takes on things that may or may not be happening.

We cover the “news” that no one else dares to invent — from time-traveling goats saving traffic violations to wine-powered telescopes in mountain villages. If it’s ridiculous, slightly plausible, and definitely Cypriot, we’re on it.

What Is Halloumi News?

Halloumi News is:

• 100% fake, in the best possible way.
• Proudly Cypriot, fueled by frappé, sunstroke, and municipal chaos.
• A safe space for satire, absurdity, and affectionate mockery of everyday life in Cyprus.
• Possibly run by your cousin’s cousin who once tried to fix potholes with kleftiko.

We believe the best way to process politics, potholes, and power outages is through humor. We’re here to poke fun, not start fires. Unless it’s a BBQ — in which case, tell us the location.

Our Topics Include:

• Government “initiatives” that sound suspiciously like dares
• Village councils discovering intergalactic travel
• Serious issues (like droughts, rent, or bureaucracy) told unseriously
• Glorious exaggerations about souvlakia, stray cats, and overenthusiastic church bells

Who’s Behind Halloumi News?

A small team of anonymous writers, thinkers, and professional eye-rollers.
We come from different backgrounds, but we share three things:

1. A love for Cyprus
2. An obsession with halloumi
3. Mild sun damage

We may or may not be journalists. We may or may not be bored office workers with a Canva account and too many Google Docs. You’ll never know. And that’s the point.

Want to Support or Contact Us?

Want to share an absurd idea? Collaborate? Complain about our depiction of your village as a sovereign goat-led republic?

📬 Email us at: info@hallouminews.com
🧀 Or find us on social media @HalloumiNews — where we pretend to be professional.

One Final Note

If you’re ever unsure whether something on this site is true — it probably isn’t.
And if it is… well, that’s even funnier.

Halloumi News — The News Cyprus Deserves. Whether it wants it or not.